I found this saved in my WordPress file box from 6 years ago! Might as well publish it.
First, can I just say how much I miss WordPress, and writing in general?! I’m rather surprised that I haven’t drafted a story or checked-in for almost four months. Shame on me. But before you turn your cyber-nose up at me, I have a pretty good reason for not checking in, and some miraculous news. I’m pregnant. Four months pregnant to be exact, or as they say in the world of obstetrics, I’m 16 weeks, which is another way of saying I’m in my second trimester. Why is this all so miraculous, you ask? Well, I’m 42 years old and I have never been pregnant. In fact, I thought God had determined that I would not have children at all. Instead, I’d just be an aunt, godmother, sister, cousin, girlfriend and daughter, which are all blessings in themselves. That’s what I get for thinking I know the mind of God!
In truth, I have always wanted children, ten to be exact. I’ll never forget the day I told this to my boyfriend (now husband) as we were discussing our future. “You want ten children?!” Sure, why not? I love kids, always have. He opted for just one. “That’s because you’re an only child.” I said lovingly. Granted, I was only 21 when I wanted as many children as I have fingers, and I had yet to discover the heartache of not being able to conceive one child, let alone ten. As I look back at that young, bright-eyed girl, I can’t help thinking, why ten? Perhaps I wanted to make my own family and leave behind the hurtful clan I’d been born with. Of course this is not God’s plan and I can honestly say (now) that I’m grateful for the family I was born into and especially for the Mom He gave me!
After several years of being married, attending numerous family and friends’ baby showers and praying God would bless us, He chose not to. So we upped and moved North to Oregon and away from Alameda, CA to start a new life with our two Boston Terriers. My husband was totally fine not having children. He liked it being just the two of us, but after 15 years of marriage I still couldn’t give up on my dream of being a mother and loving a little baby of our own.
When blood tests showed that I had ample pregnancy hormones and my husband was told he could be a “donor” I finally decided to let go of my dream and try adoption. But first, I did what I was taught, reading about the Old Testament prophets – I completely prostrated myself on the floor of my closet, door shut, and cried out to God! In my tearful prayer I made a hasty promise: (those of you who read scripture know this is not a wise thing to do) I promised Him that if He blessed me with a child, I would raise them up in the Lord with all my heart.
A couple of months went by, and out of nowhere my sister, who lives in TN, asked if we would foster her youngest daughter until she could get back on her feet. At first I thought this was God’s answer, but something inside of me (the Holy Spirit) said no. Still, we wanted to help them both, but things got ugly when my older sister stepped into the scene and decided she wanted C. Also my husband, who is a peace officer did not like the fact that C’s mom was using, and was afraid she would pop up one day and dramatically take her daughter back. Hypothetical fears and drama plagued his mind, and since he was not at peace with it, we asked if we could adopt my 2 year old niece instead of fostering, and was told maybe. This brought my Dad into the scene (whom sadly I had no relationship with) and he expressed his thoughts. Although his words felt cruel, He was right. We were wanting it all or nothing. After praying about it and struggling some more with family, the Lord changed things. My TN sister was going to allow us to adopt.
All this time I was openly discussing things with C’s social worker, telling her everything that was going on. She was great. A woman of faith who’s heart was truly for the best interest of the child and cared for all involved. She told me rather surprisingly that my older sister had ‘serious issues’ and was not an option for C. She understood our concerns about my TN sister wanting her daughter back, and also our desire for a child of our own. In her sweet TN accent she said, “let’s just do the paperwork for adoption and see what happens.”
She sent us a picture of C. sitting on a chair in the social workers office, holding a teddy bear. It was like a heartbreaking adoption add, with my own little niece as the subject. A niece I’d never met, but loved. My heart broke for her. I just wanted to bring her home and love her and protect her and give her a good life. So we began the arduous process of adoption with joyful vigor.
Two weeks of being ill with a mysterious bug, I was working what would end up being my last Brookings farmers market. I had made my piece de resistance – rum raisin brioche rolls with French custard, when I felt that God had decided it was time. I was pregnant. My husband and I and our doggies were driving to Alameda, to work on our Pearl Street home when I shyly told Tony my feelings. He didn’t believe me. Arriving at the house he made me take 2 different brands of pregnancy tests and I laughed and praised God through them both! They were positive. He was scared but happy. I was elated!
After the ultrasound showed twins it was my turn to be shocked and a little scared. When I excitedly told my Mom then Tony’s Mom, and I heard the thrill in their voices, I realized how far away I was from them and all of our family. It’s impossible to move back now, I thought (limiting God big-time), so I tightened my bootstraps and prepared to do it all by myself, with just the help of my husband. Yet again, this isn’t how it’s supposed to be (later I would suffer mentally and physically because I ‘did it on my own’, instead of trusting and obeying God).
Talking to C’s social worker about everything, she congratulated us then asked, “Are you still wanting to adopt C?” Of course, I answered without even a thought. She paused. Then I asked her why? She sent me another picture of C, a more recent picture. Apparently she’d found a pair of scissors and cut off all her hair and suffered cuts as well. Then she told me that she had ‘serious issues’ – violent behavior was making it difficult for her to foster. Abuse and rough living made it difficult for her to speak normally for her age. Well, I thought, “God can do all things” (Philippians 4:13). He can heal her issues, he healed mine! The social worker was gentle yet adamant. “Just have the babies God has blessed you with. Don’t risk their well-being and take in a troubled child who could possibly hurt them.” I was torn. Of course my husband agreed completely with her, but I loved and wanted to help little C! So I prayed about it and He told me through the story of Joseph to let her go. He was with C and He would never leave her or forsake her (like I felt I was doing).
Spoiler alert: She is now happily living with her sweet Mommy, who is recovered and living her life for Jesus. God is truly merciful, always! He uses our trials sometimes to break us and bring us back to Him, if we’re truly His. And the fruit, or proof of this, is love. When I last spoke to my sister in TN she was so loving and humble and grateful to God that she has her C again and I’m so happy too!
After the smoke has cleared and the long-distance family trouble has died down, the Lord continues to give me peace. I am so excited to be a mother at long last! I do wish I lived closer to family, but God will give me strength and wisdom to be the best Mama to His little blessings.